Posted November 13, 2009 by Big Red Boots in caffeine Free

energium middle eastern energy drink

When I see a drink with this much Hebrew on it, and the drink is coming from the Holy Land, even, you would expect it to be marketed to Jewry as well. OK, maybe not completely Jewry, but maybe some would be nice, what with the only other Jewish drink to be found being Kabbalah Energy drink – made with Kabbalah Water or some Kockamayme thing. And Really, the Kabbalah energy drink is made by those Gonifs(thieves) selling ancient Jewish teachings to that shiksa, Madonna. I mean, all is good with a little torah in your life, and a little talmud never hurt anyone, but really now – with all those crosses and her bristen shaking and hanging out all over the place, she is about as Jewish as Pat Boone. And dont get me started on her whole “Ambassador for the Jews” thing she said!

Nu? What does this have to do with Energium? Well, any drink with Hebrew all over it (never mind with the arabic writing too), especially one that lists itself and not just Kosher but even Pareve, should have a little more sense than your average schmoe’s Monster. It was even created in the Holy Land, by a pharma company called Antaki – out of Galilee, whose takhles (very serious business) is all about alternative Middle-Eastern medicines.

But who are they marketing to? This drink looks to be more geared to to shaygets than Jews. All their advertising looks to be about young people, kids and the late night bar crowd. For an herbal drink based on traditional Arab Medicine and indigenous herbal potions, I would have expected something zay gezunt (healthy). While this does have a big “herbal” written on the top, would have expected a much more natural look. I mean, if you don’t want to go for the Jewish crowd, who am I to argue? But if you really want to be techno, then go techno! Make the drink less bare aluminum and put some silly lines and futuristic fonts. I say, rather than upscale your herbal soda water, just sell it as herbal soda water.

To retell an old Jewish Joke:
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, “Can I help you, Sir?”
“Yes,” replied Harry, “I would like to buy a pound of lox.”
“No. No,” responded the dignified salesperson, “You mean smoked salmon.”
“OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then.”
“Anything else?”
“Yes, a couple liters of some nice kosher flavored seltzer water.”
“No. No. You mean Energium.”
“ok – and some blintzes too!”
“Okay, a dozen…. crepes.”
“Anything else?”
“Yes. A pound of chopped liver.”
“No. No. Sir, You mean pate.”
“Okay,” said Harry, “A pound of pate then and I’d like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday.”
“Look,” retorted the indignant salesperson, “we don’t schlep on Shabbos!”

I don’t know from Middle Eastern non-traditional medicines, but this Antaki Formula, a secret blend of natural herbs, is more seems much more like a earthy soda than anything else. The drink is very carbonated, and has a nice grape seed/lemonade flavor to it that is something very unique. Of course, it is much better icy cold, something to help cool off after the walk back from the shul on Shabbos. OF course, not sure how you would get it out of the fridge in that case…
Still, after checking out the website, it looks more like it is a drink meant for mixing with vodka and for nogoodniks to chug at the strip club.

Alright, already? Does the thing work? Energium gets it’s energy from the all too familiar Taurine. Again already with the Taurine? I need more taurine like I need a hole in the head. Oddly, it also has a mix of extract of mustard plants and some chicory root. From this I am supposed to get energy? Sure, it was tasty. Diet sprite is tasty. Do you see people drinking chickory drinks? Or Hot Dog Mavens running around wild? No. Mustard and Chickory might be popular in non-traditional Middle Eastern folklore, but without my caffeine, who needs it?

I need my morning boost of caffeine. What can I say? I am a hopeless addict? And why should the Extreme Sports Christians be the only ones who have their own energy drink? I say, those yeshiva students could use a little more spring in their step just as well.

An example of some very nice jewish girls and the nice yeshiva student trying to court them…

Big Red Boots