Four Loko Cranberry Lemonade
Four Loko Cranberry Lemonade is the quintessential Hard Rock drink. For in-your-face balls-to-the-wall rock and roll lifestyle party drinks, there is no better thing to consume to trash your parents basement to. This drink pisses off old folks, just like Good Rock does. Green Day, Nickelback and Red Hot Chuckin F***ers are for old farts. Give a gray hair Tech N9ne, Hollywood Undead, Buckcherry, or Avenge Sevenfold and they’ll fill their colostomy bags and fumble to turn their hearing aids off. This is not a drink for people who associate darkness with bedtime, vote for McCain or prefer cars that come in beige.
Not that you have to be necessarily young to like this drink – Ted Nugent would SO approve of this design. I could see him easily swigging from this huge can at his next big hunting party or Tea Party rally, camo can in one hand, huge gun in the other. Like Marilyn Manson says, “Rock ‘n roll is supposed to be fast and loud and its supposed to piss off the older generation,” Which just about sums up Four Loko Cranberry Lemonade too.
For those who don’t remember, there is a time in most people’s lives when alcohol is all about quantity, not quality. The question is not what tastes best, but what can get you drunk fastest cheapest and taste the least bad. If you have already gotten your taste buds past the point of being able to stomach Wild Irish Rose wine, Taaka, Kkamchatka or Popov Vodka and Milwaukee’s Best in 24 ounce cans, Then OF COURSE you are going to hate this.
For the right kind of crowd, this drink is perfect. It looks cheap and fun, it tastes cheap and fun and makes you feel cheap and fun. Even the best of us should take a walk on the trashy side once in a while.
The caffeine in here is negligible, compared to the alcohol content. One Four and you can feel the caffeine effects. After one can, you are awake and buzzed and tipsy. You have energy to spare and are feeling gooood! Two cans, and the caffeine buzz is gone – replaced by a buzzing in your head. That’s a lot of alcohol in your system at one time, and for me at least, two is my limit. It’s not like I am mixing Tuaca bombs in here, the whole cup of coffee’s worth of caffeine in a huge 24 ounce can of sweet booze is only going to go so far.
Four Loko is 12% malt liquor. No one is allowed to speak of how this tastes so bad unless they are already acquainted with real malt liquor. Forget Old English or Mickeys, this is going onto the same shelf as Earthquake, Crazy Horse, Side Pocket, Pit Bull and other “high Gravity” malts. If you don’t know what I am talking about, head to the 40s section of the Liquor store cooler. Suck on a 40oz of Evil Eye, then you can talk. Yes it tastes nothing even remotely like cranberries and lemons. I am sure a real fruit would not dare show its face around this puke fest for fear of contamination.
The problem is, at some point, the party is over. Jar Head college students flunk out and go home, the working poor have to haul their hung over arses to work and Rock Stars go back to their momma’s house. That is when the authority figures take over, and bans, seizures and lawsuits start to happen. Like Hugo Ferrerra, lead vocalist from Tantric, said in an interview, “In other cities I’m just like ‘Rock & Roll!’ and fucking crazy and partying and then I come home to Boston and I’m just like ‘Mom, can you make me my favorite sandwich?'”
While I might not have really liked Four Loko’s flavor and their buzz was pretty weak, Like those 50ish yuppies looking back wistfully on their post-hippie cocaine fueled swingin’ disco days, Ill fondly remember the good times we had.