Do find yourself falling asleep when your pastor starts preaching like the Reverend Lovejoy? So you feel like something is missing from your Straight-Edge Xtreme Skater lifestyle? Well worry no more – as 3in1 trinity energy, a christian faith energy drink, is there to give you all the branded christian goodness without fear or worshiping Rockstars or Monsters.

According to the marketing, “The premier 1in3Trinity Energy Drink is a perfect companion for today’s active Christian lifestyle, providing benefits not only for the consumer, but for spectators as well. In an eye-catching aluminum can, the company has an opportunity to convey a positive and unique message in an innovative and distinctive way to not only the drinker, but also to those in which they come in contact.”
SO ya – conversion in a can. Hand this to your buddies and they might see the error of their ways and decide to give up on their heathen Red Bull ways..

This drink is “fused with fruit of the Spirit.” – and is completely genuine about it’s beliefs, down to the point of putting a quote from Galatians to explain exactly what “fruit of the spirit” means. While this product might be someone’s actual pure desire to help people lead more christian lives or just an Xtreme energy company trying to cash in, We’ll never know. One does stop and ponder the nature of religious energy drinks though. What would a Mormon energy drink look like? Would a Orthodox Kosher energy drink taste like Concord Grapes? Here are a few more questions from Stuff Christians Like about this drink.

1. Would Jesus drink an energy drink? I mean, let’s say he’s at a half pipe party with disciples and all the energy drink runs out, does he turn water into energy drink at that point?

2. If Jesus would drink an energy drink, which story in the Bible would that drink make extra Xtreme? Maybe during the temple clearing scene he swings through the window and instead of a whip, uses his fist of fury to chase out the money changers. Or maybe instead of just walking on water he actually barefoot surfs over to Peter a la Laird Hamilton style.

3. Red bull and vodka is a popular drink. If you made a mixed drink with the Trinity energy drink, how many times would you get struck by lightning? I think 7, because that’s a pretty holy number.

4. Would it be weird to have a marketing campaign that said, “Fused with the fruit of the spirit, except peace, self control and patience, because let’s be honest, getting amped on energy drink is not going to increase either of those characteristics in you?”

Should Christians have their own christian products – or is this just a shamefaced ploy? I know I got pissed when I tried Kabbalah Energy, and it did not help me study understand the Talmud an any deeper of a level. In fact, it pissed me off about as much as when Madonna called herself a Jewish Kabbalist for all of 3 months. Would it be weird for a Hindu or Pagan to drink this? I am sure it would be ok for a satanist, as all Satanists are really just good Catholics rooting for the visiting team.

Taste:10
This is supposedly “a special blend handed down from the flourishing vines and trees of the holy land,” and although it might not taste like Manischewitz wine, it tastes absolutely fantastic! I can honestly say this is one of the tastiest energy drinks I have ever had. It starts off with grapes and pomegranates, and ends up with some light cherry berry flavor that leaves no aftertaste and no medicinal bitterness. I completely thought this was going to be another Red Bull clone before I opened it – but it totally converted my to its virtuous desires before the tiny can was finished. To all those other haters who have any of these gathering dust, I would gladly taketh what you would give away. I drank both samples in short order and would certainly drink much more.

Packaging:4
And about that size of can, it is a real pity this does not come in a larger size. I know it would cost more, but the flavor cries out to drink more. As for the rest of the package, it is really an amateur job. there is supposed to be this subtle printing of letters in the background, but it comes off as poorly printed serif fonts using dark blue on black. Maybe they were going for a bevel effect but could not pay for enough colors to pull it off – either way it does not even work a little. The shining logo is pretty cool – but compared to the awesome crest the drink package came in, there is some talent somewhere in the company. Just stick the cool harry potter-like logo on there instead of this loser of a design. At least they positioned the lid right – so their logo shines out as you are drinking from it.
They list caffeine and all their ingredients, which is nice, but overall this one is desperately in need of a “desine resurrection.”

Nutrition/Buzz:3
Why make an energy drink with only 50mg of caffeine? That is like going for a baptism and nly getting your feet wet. That means this has just a little less caffeine per can than a can of soda, and per ounce it barely passes my DMD standard (you need to have more caffeine per ounce than a diet mountain dew to count as an energy drink). It is nice you remember to add 1000 mgs taurine, ginseng,ginko biloba, inositol and d-glucuronolactone to pretend this is a strong energy drink, but it does not cut it. While I do appreciate the sucralose sweetener keeping the drink at 10 calories, you would feel twice as much energy from a rousing circus tent Baptist revival than from downing this drink “infused with the spirit”.